self-love

It's OK if you're not OK

It’s ok if you’re not ok.

I’ve heard from loads of friends, clients, and random folks I meet that everyone seems to be dealing with a lot right now.

And whatever that “a lot” is for you, it’s ok if you’re having a rough time with it.

Part of what makes the processing of emotions so difficult is that we’re so quick to judge ourselves for them.  We quickly get the sense that we’re over-reacting.  We tell ourselves to ‘get the fuck over it.’  We’re told to man up (which is fucked up in itself) and move on.

But sometimes, the only way out is through. 

Which means we actually have to feel our feelings, acknowledge them, and release them as best we can.

A few years ago I had an awesome tarot reading, and the medium said something that really stuck with me.  I had been dealing with a difficult emotional issue, and he said:

“You’re being too hard on yourself that this isn’t going the way you thought it would.”

And he was totally right.  I was judging the shit out of myself because everything wasn’t going 100% amazingly all the time, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.  Which was only putting more pressure on myself when I was already in a super emotional state.

Releasing the judgment piece of the equation took a load off, and helped me begin to sift through the rest of the emotions.

Are you having a tough time right now?  This is what I do to begin to heal when I’m struggling:

  • Journal. Journal. Journal. Let it all out on paper. And then, if necessary, burn that shit, rip it up, whatever you need to do.

  • Cry as much and as often as needed.

  • Keep to a regular sleep schedule as best you can. Some folks tend to sleep too much when they are upset, and others sleep too little. Keep to a regular routine, keep the screen time to a minimum the hour before, and relax with some meditation before bed.

  • Go see your friends. Even if you’re not feeling at all social, sometimes the most healing thing can be getting out a bit, hanging out with your besties, and getting your mind off of things for an hour or two.

  • Find a support group. Sometimes, we just need a space to vent, share, and know we’re not alone as we navigate our physical, emotional and spiritual health.

What do you do to support yourself during a difficult emotional time?  Let me know in the comments below!

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Self-Sabotage - And What the Fuck to do About it

Yesterday, as I was walking the dog, I finally understood what it feels like to self-sabotage.

I’ve heard that term thrown around a ton in books, lectures and in talking with other coaches, but I was always convinced I never did that.   Sure, I stand in my own way sometimes, but self-sabotage?  That definitely wasn’t me.

Nope.  So not.

During my walk last night I was thinking to myself, “Things are actually going pretty well right now.”  I’ve been coaching some amazing women (who are having some killer results), I’ve kept my anxiety on the lower side the past few weeks, the dog seems happier…. Shit, things are looking up!

And then, it hit me.

Literally out of nowhere feelings of dread, anxiety, fear, and an overwhelming sense of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ hit me like a ton of bricks.  I went from feeling peaceful and happy to suddenly worrying that everything was going to be terrible, and nothing will work out, and clearly something awful is going to happen.

The fuck?

 

That is some fucked up shit, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling.   And the scary part for me is… I’m sure I’ve been doing this for years, but I didn’t realized till JUST now!

In a way, I’m not allowing myself to feel good.  I don’t believe I deserve to feel good, or I don’t deserve to have good things happen to me.  By fearing the future and convincing myself that things will go to hell, I’m not trusting in myself or the universe to handle things.

And I KNOW that I can handle things, and the universe can handle things.

This happens in all different ways for all different people.  For some, it manifests as “I’ve been eating really well and treating my body right…. But I don’t deserve to feel good so imma down a box of oreos”  or“I’m feeling really good about a situation but my mind is now going to be FULL of all the possible horrible outcomes and oh hey let’s show them on replay for the next 2 days.”

We deserve better than this. 

What to do about it:

Ok, so we know self-sabotage sucks (and is literally the opposite of self-care and self-love), so what do we do about it?

1.     The first step is just noticing.  If you’re anything like me, you may have gone years without realizing you were even doing this!  By first identifying when this is happening, we can start to take action.  Try to catch yourself in the moment, when your brain tells you “Things can’t be this good.”

2.     Once you have that moment, you can kick the self-love up a notch.  My first step is to say to myself “I deserve to feel good” or “I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life.”  These are my two favorite affirmations, and when I feel anxiety creeping in, I tend to repeat them to myself for at least few minutes.

3.     Then, I practice some deep breathing to take the edge off.  My favorite is the 4-7-8 Breath.  ((Breathe in through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 7, breathe out through your mouth for 8 counts))  I do this 4-6 times to help re-set my parasympathetic nervous system.

4.     If I’m at home and able to, I love to practice some tapping or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) around whatever the issue is.  To use EFT, you use the tips of your fingers to lightly tap on different meridian points on your head, shoulders and chest, while affirming, “Even thought I have this problem (Fill in the blank with your issue), I love and accept myself.”

Want to give it a try?  Watch this quick video by Jessica Ortner for a primer on the points.

 

5.     And then, finally, I journal that shit out.  Sometimes I really resist journaling, but that’s usually when I need it the most.  Getting it out of my head and onto paper helps me process things a little more, so it’s not just swirling around in an anxious jumble in my head.

 

All right you fabulous babes – talk to me.  Do you experience self-sabotage?  Yes? No?  Have you never thought about it before?  What do you do when it creeps in? Leave me a comment below!

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How to Move from Struggle to Self-Love

From the time I was a kid, I’ve attached myself to the idea of ‘struggle’ and ‘hard work.’  The idea that good things, praise, comfort, happiness etc, could only be achieved through disciplined, intense, structured work.  In my mind, when I wasn’t working (aka struggling), I wasn’t useful or worthy of praise. 

Even though I know this is not true, it’s a narrative that’s hard to stop clinging too.  Society constantly tells us that the only way to “make it” is to be over worked and exhausted.  It’s difficult to break out of the habit of struggle.

Now, I don’t mean to say that we shouldn’t feel our feelings.  Sometimes, shit happens in our lives that really just sucks.  And when that happens, I find it important and necessary to allow ourselves to feel what ever comes up: overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety etc, in order to have any healing occur.

What I’m referring to in particular is the need to feel that you have to earn love, praise, happiness, rest, or comfort.  That we have to struggle for these things in order to make them happen.  Sometimes, sure, you really do need to work your ass off to get some shit done, and I’m all about that.  But the issue is that at the end of the day, no matter how much work we get done, many of us feel dissatisfied with ourselves, because our to-do lists are ever growing.  And that’s the issue right there.  

You can work hard without struggling emotionally. 

I think many of us get stuck in the feelings of guilt when good things do come our way since maybe we didn’t ‘work hard enough for it.”  That if something’s feels effortless, than I clearly don’t deserve it. 

We gotta knock that shit out.

I am good enough

You are good enough.

And no matter how much or how little you got done today, you deserve a break at the end of the day.

I think the struggle mentality frequently creates a block for me.  I don’t let abundance flow when I’m feeling cramped up, hunched over, and stressed out.

Enter self-care.

Or really, self-love (they are the same thing)

Have you heard of Mirror Work?  It’s a term Louise Hay coined for this awesomely simple yet effective self-love exercise.  For the next week, every time you pass a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say “I love you”  Use your name too.  Not gonna lie, it will probably feel stupid and silly at first.  Or maybe it will feel emotional and difficult to do.  Notice what comes up for you, and allow yourself to really feel what happens.

And even if you don’t mean it at first, it’s sort of a “fake it till you make it” deal.

Give that a try.  You deserve to hear it.  See this week, take some time to notice where else struggle comes up in your life, and then let that shit go <3

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